Chatter Port

When Grief Goes Wrong

By Ken Warren and suggested by RJ & Makay

My dear mum, Ethel, did not manage well at all after my dad, Bob, died when my brother and I were aged 8 and 5. Although we were all absolutely grief-stricken, mum’s grief was especially intense, prolonged and tragic. In the immediate days following, mum was incapable of caring for us and allowed neighbours to do so. Perhaps this is understandable - she may have thought it best to protect us from her grief.

In the weeks following, she suffered facial palsy, where one side of her face became paralysed. In the following years, she suffered a type of emotional palsy where she found it hard to express any affection to her sons. Perhaps if she had allowed herself to feel even positive emotions the pain would have been unbearable.

You can put your tissues away now. Things did eventually improve, but it took some years. But this story prompts the question, ‘How do you know when grief is going wrong?’ There are a number of ways you can do so.

The first is to notice that someone is not moving through their grief. Here I want to clarify that there are some losses you simply never ‘get over’. But there is often a sense by people with problematic grief, that they are ’stuck’.

Professor James Worden suggests that there are four stages people need to go through in coming to terms with their grief. The first is to accept the reality of their loss. Secondly, people have to find a way of expressing their pain that is appropriate for them. Some do so by crying and talking with their support people. Others express their pain through rituals such as visiting the cemetery or talking to their loved one who had died. Some do so through physical activity - perhaps working harder or through exercise.

The third stage according to Worden is to overcome the barriers to moving forward with their life. In the case of loss associated with injury, it could be managing their pain or changing what they do for a living. Fourthly, people need to find an emotional place for the loss that allows them to continue to live their life well. They still feel sadness at different times, but they are still able to live, love and laugh.

Although people grieve in different ways, often at a different pace, and to different intensities, if people become stuck at one of the early stages, this is a sign that the grief may well have become complicated.

Another sign of problematic grief is a delayed grief reaction. Perhaps people were not able to grieve properly at the time of their loss, due to having to hold it together for the sake of others or the extent of their losses not being fully appreciated until later. However, a more recent event triggers a strong grief response from the earlier loss. In my counselling practice, I often saw people coming to terms with losses associated with their childhood abuse when they have young children themselves.

People can also have exaggerated grief reactions, where the pain of their loss is expressed through depression, anxiety or problematic alcohol or drug use. When such conditions are present after someone has suffered a major loss, chances are the real problem is the grief, not so much how it is coming out. But if a clinical condition, such as depression is present, this needs to be addressed as well.

Some people even have what is called masked grief reactions, where they experience similar symptoms to a person who has died or imitate the deceased in other ways. One widow I know of developed similar heart problems to her husband who had died even though there was no diagnosable condition.

How Creative Problem Solving Can Save You Money

By Brian Schwartz published by RJ & Makay

Creativity is vital for frugal living. No, you don’t need to be a poet or a sculptor to save money, but you do need to look at life a little differently from how most people do. One of the ways creativity comes into play when saving money is in problem solving. Trying to discover the least expensive way to solve a problem or meet a need is a great exercise in creativity.

Even if you don’t have much innate creativity, you can cultivate it. Read articles and books about how to be more creative - you will find most of the advice (such as writing down ideas immediately and exposing yourself to activities and hobbies you don’t normally enjoy) will help you become better at solving everyday problems frugally. Also look for tips from other savers, which are readily available online and in books you can get from the library. You don’t need to think too hard to find frugal solutions to everyday problems when others have already found and shared solutions that work.

Whenever you see a product you like with a new or unusual feature; one way to save money and to hone your creative thinking skills is to ask yourself, “How can I accomplish the same goal?” Most of the time, new products that offer “great new features” simply adapt the product to be used in ways resourceful people have been using similar products for years. Aluminum foil bags? Make them by folding regular foil into a bag shape. As an added bonus, you only need to buy one foil product. Select-a-size paper towels? Simply tear off a smaller part of a regular paper towel if you don’t need the entire thing. You get the idea.

Last year, a television advertisement offered a line of disposable products to help parents keep their cars clean. The mom in the ads looked so organized, and wow - wasn’t that amazing how she grabbed the wipe from the specially designed container on the back of the driver’s seat, cleaned off that sticky child, and threw the wipe in a trash bag that she could then easily carry inside to throw away with the rest of her trash?

So how can you accomplish the same goal? Well, even if all moms had those specialized products, few could be as organized as that television mom, who didn’t really have to get her children bundled up and strapped into the car seats, only to unstrap them a few miles away and then carry one child on her hip while holding another’s hand and tucking the trash bag containing the disposable wipe under her arm, where it bumps against the diaper bag over her shoulder. But, realities of parenthood aside, most of us could have readily available cleaning products in their car. Consider stashing a container of wipes in the elastic mesh on the back of the driver’s seat and keep plastic grocery bags in the car to dispose of trash. The advertised products looked ingenious, but you could accomplish the same thing for significantly less money. In fact, the wipes designed to fit onto the back of the driver’s seat could have some unadvertised problems, too: Can you imagine a toddler’s laughter as she pulls them out one by one while her mother is driving?

Most products advertised as more convenient or clever than the competition are more expensive, as well. The extra features are rarely worth the higher prices, especially when those features can easily be copied with a little creativity. That cool product may be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but don’t forget that you can inexpensively reproduce sliced bread, too - all you need is an unsliced loaf of bread and a knife.

Read here some informative articles: